Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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