So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You are the jesus of drinking
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
