My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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