dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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