If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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