I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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