She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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