I am in a vortex of obligation.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
