Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
