I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
