I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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