He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
