we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
