dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
