i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
