Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize