the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
