Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
