I smell stomach acid.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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