Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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