I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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