the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
