Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
