I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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