he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize