I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
