He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
