Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
