My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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