Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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