All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
