The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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