Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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