I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
