My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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