Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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