ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
