I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
