I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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