Non-Jews are for practice
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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