My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
