Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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