I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
