You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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