This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
