I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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