The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize