How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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