Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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