Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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