Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
