I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
