I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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