if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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