1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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