I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
