next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
