she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My dick has a subreddit
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
