Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize