I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Randomize
