omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
