I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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